Dying of Laughter [Taro x Iocus]

I decided to walk into the bank to practice some robber role-playing. I had done comedy bits on TV before where I was playing a robber. It was fairly funny. I do remember it being pretty funny.

I started doing my cowboy walk as I walked in. I put my hand on the lower part of my face to cover it up. I didn't want the imaginary tellers to know who I was. I made a gun gesture with my other hand and pointed it at the tellers.

"I reckon ya'll 'bout to have a bad time if y'all don't hand the money over faster than an iguana running from an eagle."

Oh no! We are being robbed!

"Ha! That's correct mad'am! Now, if you don't mind, hand over the money!"

BANG! I fired into the ceiling as a warning shot. The ceiling was wounded. They had to hurry up and help it.
Everybody fell on the ground. The tellers opened the registers and started to put the cash into brown bags with dollar signs in them.

I looked over at a lady on the ground. "Ey Toots, go with one of them tellers into the vault and brin' me all the cash!"

I watched them start heading to the vau.. BANG!

My gun had fired on its own. I looked at it to see if it was broken. I felt a sharp pain on my shoulder.

"So, Mr. Hilares. Let's discuss your life story."

I turned around and saw a really ugly person, holding a gun towards me.

"Ah shit! It's the cops!"

The human raisin shot me again! It's not my fault he looks like that! The scars make him look better but they were not able to fix his face completely!

"Oh shit! The cops are shooting at me because I'm a minority!"

The people in the bank immediately started booing the ugly cop.
" You suck racist cops!!!"

The people didn't like robbers, but they definitely disliked racists more. This was my chance to strike!

I aimed my gun at Taro and fired right at his face!

BANG! BANG! BANG!

He seemed amused and unharmed. My race bullets did not seem to reach him. His racist hide must be super thick!

I decided to drop the act though. My shoulders were hurting a bit and a bit of blood was coming down the wounds.

"What do you want Taka? I'm trying to do a skit here. Do you mind?"

I put on my smile.

"You people keep on accusing me of being stuff that I'm not! Do you know why I'm always so cheerful? Because I am glad I don't look like Freddy Kruger lost a fight against a glass piñata! Or a dirty sponge that got cheese grated!"

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can scar you for ever...it looks like his face beat me to it though! Ha! He will probably shoot me again because he thinks that will get me to talk but it doesn't matter. I am having too much fun! He makes this too easy!

I couldn't hold back the laughter anymore.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

He actually wiped a tear from his face!

"Cancer? Wow! I didn't know you were into horoscopes! I know cancers are a little hard to deal with but I wouldn't blame that for how you react to others man. What are you a virgo or something? Tsk Tsk. No shame."

Who the hell was Junpei? He sounds like an imaginary friend or something. If I had to describe Junpei just based on the sound of the name I would imagine a really short person for some reason. Like not a midget or something like that. A regularly proportioned person, but just really small. Like REALLY small. About 5' 6".

I don't even know why he gave me his life story in the first place. He literally asked me "You know how I got my scar?" and then proceeded to tell his story. He didn't even let me answer before he kept on talking. I don't care how you got your scars. I assumed he got cut by the glass from the first mirror he looked into.

Oh and who the hell is Scott Free? Is he an actor? He sounds like a British actor. I'm pretty sure he does Bond-esque movies or something. Not even the villain. Probably the villain's right hand man or something. I should look him up later. It will bug me if I don't. We may not have access to the internet here but I'm sure Monokuma might let me know who he was. Monokuma is a nice bear sometimes right? He makes a lot of puns so he must have a fun side.

"Hold on though, you say you got into a car-pile up? Who won that? That goes by thumb war rules right? The one on top the longest wins? Wait, why am I asking you this? You are such a Virgo! You wouldn't get it!"

He had done it. He had really done it. He wanted to hear it from me I suppose....

"What is it that you want Taka? Do you want me to confess to being the one who planned everything? The mastermind of this place? The reason you are here right now? Fine, I will let you have it."

I let him have it.

"I am the reason you are in this place. I trapped all of you here. I control everything that happens around here. You REALLY are stupid aren't you? How could you not figure it out before? You pretend to act smart but in reality you are about as dumb as they come. You must have had a few accidents too many for you to get to the point you are right now. That is the reason I chose you to be the traitor of the group. You are EASY to manipulate. How could you not have noticed? How do you think Monokuma knows so much about me? That's because I told him to give you that information. Whether it is true or not that is up to your tiny brain to figure out. You have been playing along with my plans since the very beginning and you didn't even notice...not that I am surprised, you ARE really dumb after all. You never really had a choice when it came to your actions. I might as well used a robot to do my bidding. They follow the instructions perfectly. Just like you. Just like my ugly bear robot that you all love SSOOOOO much! Well, not nearly as ugly as you but I hope you get the point."

I took a breath and continued.

"Do you want to know why I am doing this? I was bored. Plain and simple. I have been bored with life for a while now so I have decided to investigate death and the emotions of those who approach it. I have met many people through my years, but they all seem like they lie to themselves. You all lie to yourselves. Your emotions are fabricated. Made up. They are not real. You are all here today, killing each other, just so that I can see your true emotions. The despair in your souls. Do you really think I care about ANY of you? Your pasts? Your lives before coming here? I couldn't care less about your Junpei, or your cancer-ridden mother. 'Waaaahhhh, I get into accidents a lot. Waaaahhhh, I have suffered the most in the world'. See? That is what you sound like. Everybody has problems, deal with them like an adult. I know its hard to do that with a negative amount of neurons, but just try at least ok?"

I took another breath and continued even further.

"Did you really think I was going to let ANY of you escape? Even if somebody gets away with murder, I will just kill everybody here. You were all doomed to die from the moment you got here. Don't worry though, the fun won't stop there. I will find more chumps to bring here and repeat this whole process again! Oh, and do you know what the best part is? It doesn't matter even if you kill me right now. Monokuma is programmed to kill everybody here if that happens and then bring more people here!"

I took another breath and finished.

It was time. I put on my smile.

"Juuuuustt kidding! You really should have seen your face! Hahahahahahaaha! Me? The one who put us all here? YOU must be the comedian here!